Responsibility & Forgiveness

In my younger years, I hurt many people with my behavior. I stole, lied, cheated, and was generally unkind to both those I knew and strangers. In a drunken state, I once tore off an antenna from a parked car. An off-duty police officer from another state apprehended me and essentially performed a citizen's arrest until the authorities arrived. At the time, I was with my best friend, and instead of implicating him as well (he was willing to stay with me or even help me beat up the stranger), I told him to go home and that I would face the consequences myself. I was 15 and was let go into my father's custody without any penalties. I didn't even have to pay for the antenna.

Part of my spiritual work involves taking responsibility for any harm I have caused with my behavior. Through this process, I create a sense, that when I am sitting in meditation, I have permission to turn off the mental tape that replays the worst of these moments and focus on stillness. By doing so, I can let go of the disruptions these thoughts create as an echo of the harm I have caused to others, and instead focus on the present moment. From this place of silence, stillness and pace, I have the agency to make different choices.

A while back, someone came to me and wanted to take responsibility for a way in which they may have been cruel to me. As someone who is active in this work, I wanted to be open and receptive. They were clear about what they had done, apologized for the hurt they may have caused me, and at the end, asked, "Do you forgive me?" My response was, "That's not my place. You have to forgive yourself."

If I were to go back to the person whose antenna I tore off almost 30 years ago, I would take responsibility for my actions and offer to pay for the damage (adjusted for inflation). However, I would not ask for forgiveness, as this could be seen as a way of deferring responsibility onto the person I had harmed. Perhaps they would feel pressure to say "yes, I forgive you," or maybe they would feel a sense of connection in the moment that would later fade. Rather than ask for forgiveness for what I have done, my focus is on how I can let go of the pain and suffering I have caused others. From there, I commit to changing my behavior from a place of compassion, regardless of the other person's opinion or feelings on the matter.

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With these shorter posts, I am able to record them more easily as I create them. I hope you will check out my reading of the post and give feedback on these shorter form writings. I want to know what you all think.

Thank you,

~Adam